Sunday, October 19, 2014

'I wander eyes closed, following songs'.... then this happened

Once upon a time a confused girl had to let go of her distant father figure, fell down the cyber rabbit hole and learned a thing or two about love from an itinerant lyricist along the way. This story is visceral, messy and starts out low but if you make it to the end that’s when you’ll find the upside. That’s life, I guess.

Things have been even harder than I’d initially factored when I moved to Melbourne to finally make Oz home (it’d been the plan since I was little. It was supposed to happen by my early 20’s but I wasn’t motivated enough to commit to the debt needed at that point).

At the point that I left to start my new life here here my estranged Father was sick with a really rare form of cancer. This was challenging on so many levels. It didn’t really feel like losing a parent since he hadn’t been emotionally present for over ten years. But at the same time it was gut wrenching to see the emotional destruction it was leaving in its wake.

So on top of setting ridiculously high expectations for my academic performance I knew my family was back in the states suffering from facing death and the lack of closure that was doomed to come with his exit from this earth. Mostly I just focused on keeping my grades up and busted my ass to get employed and hunt for opportunities.

My lifeline for all this stuff is music, when I can’t travel and use motion & newness to mentally remove me. Mostly merely consuming it, sometimes it sparks a need to write creatively or on rare occasion actually toy with original melodies.

For a while there when I went back to University I was both time and money poor and the only music I had was on my hard drive or streaming. I hadn’t found any good new stuff in a while, was in a rut mentally and with the other cadences spinning through my head.

So after a gut-wrenching 10 weeks of slow yet quick decline my father’s body finally he lost against the malignant forces within him. Christmas morning 2013.

I mostly just tried to stay as hazy as possible to stave off dealing with whatever emotions were trying to bubble up. I wasn’t mad at him. If anything it was mostly guilt around a sense of peace and personal freedom. He (and his second family) were always very discouraging about everything I did and valued. I was never going to make him proud. In his perspective, I was just a little bit of his DNA he gave up in a moment of weakness to pop in to play into his ego when need be.
Yes he introduced me to guitars, we always had them in the house. But I had to ask for Mom to pay for guitar lessons to get anywhere because he would only teach me the things he wanted me to play and then constantly tell me everything I was doing wrong, nothing right.

But this isn’t a sad story. It’s a story about a seemingly random stranger accidentally breaking into my bedroom at just the right time. Not in the creepy way. Through YouTube.

This song ‘The Story of My Life’ came across a playlist and I was mesmerized. Completely emotionally sideswiped, in a great way. What exactly it was about this bard’s bewitching voice, I couldn’t exactly say. It reminded me of a myriad of elements from my past and at the same time something pulling me towards the future. There’s more to it but that’s the only way to explain it.

Well, in the midst of yet another downward spiral of depression, I decided to reach out. I posted a message on this random musical force’s Facebook page offering any help if he was going to make it down to Australia. Amazingly, he responded within a few hours. In three days I was in regular correspondence with his manager and taking on the early stages of setting up some shows.

As things progressed, my role in these shows grew much more significant than I’d initially expected. I got to mobilize a team of friends in both Melbourne and Sydney to help me with everything from graphic design to postering to social media. Everything involved with this three month side-project served to show me what I was capable of accomplishing if I was properly motivated. It wasn’t perfect, far from. But I did it. I made two mind blowing gigs happen. Fans flew from out of state to stand awash in the presence of this one guy’s simple yet powerful stage offering. This is what it feels like to be part of something that matters.

This experience prompted by one random dude from Florida pulled me to do things that scared the shit out of me. It brought people together, forged bonds, embodied fans and doubters alike to take bold steps in new directions (other than just myself).

The shows were great, I was a wreck most of the time but managed to relax and enjoy it for a few fleeting moments. It didn’t really dawn on me how completely emotionally unprepared I was to have this guy in my world for a whole week. It forced me to literally face the fact that I emotionally attach to music in the ways that most people connect to more tangible things. It’s just easier with the intangible, it’s the best kind of one way relationship.

I was scared the whole time that I might just randomly burst into tears, which is very unusual for me. His music and overall presence/contribution to the world has made me feel things that I haven't felt for years. It was frankly overwhelming to make sense of the shit going on in my head that week. It felt like my heart was going through growing pains. I'm too old for that shit though. And honestly, I was trying to fight it but it was happening whether I wanted it or not.

He's like the most polite and charmingly southern version of progressive social decent you can get in one person. I got over the nervousness, a bit, eventually. He's just a dude who happens to do super cool things and have an amazingly magnetic and enthralling brain. But he likes to cook his own breakfast and clean up after himself, works all the freak'n time and  also generally loves life. As dumb as it sounds, I held some hope that I’d figure something out about the secret to happiness from this time around him. Mostly it was just a wakeup call to remember that hip hop is not just about your art form or practice, it's about your state of mind and way you live. Just don’t buy into limitations. Remember life is the best source of samples to mix, never stop listening. So much of his magic seems to come from his insanely strong and creative family lineage. It's inspiring and grounding all at once.  

I just wish I could bottle up the feeling I get in my stomach when he called me 'darln' in that southern drawl. It made me feel like, just for a split second, I grew up with a family that gave unconditional love and from this moment on have to live for what I feel is right and not what I think I other people expect of me.

In the end we parted ways abruptly in a pub in Sydney. I’ve never heard from him again. Not surprising. I did what I could and he’s always got new horizons to push.  I went there, I did that. I have a postcard to remind me. Better to have … then never to have at all.

The big thing that week showed me was the full depth of how much I am still petrified of feeling new things. I don't know what my take is on love in its vast array of forms and feels. I've actively avoided pondering or delving into the realm of actually feeling. But this one crazy experience forced me to face that and decide to do something about it.

So, that’s what strikes fear into my heart and the story of how a roving troubadour from the internet taught me to start dealing with it.

The main things this bizarre little internet fairytale should illuminate are this:

Art and music CAN and DOES make a difference to illicit real and powerful change in this world.

Our digital existence is full of WAY more positive opportunities than danger…so go for it more often!

When something resonates with you, like really makes you tingle with excitement, you have an obligation to yourself and the world to do whatever you can to be a bigger part of it, even if it seems a bit crazy or strays from your chosen path. Everything happens for a reason.




*more about the musician referenced in this article can be found at www.astronautalis.com 


Monday, July 21, 2014

The Life of Inbetween

It’s just about belonging
But I merely haunt the space between
Never quite standing out
Never quite assimilating
Always happy to lend a hand
But don’t try to hold it
Or I’ll freak out and run

Where do I
Lay the first brick
A foundation for the rest
On a terra inconstans

I’ve never paid allegiance to a state, sport or locale
Not even an ‘ism’  
It is instead to the power of liminality that I serve
And the communitas that it gives
To which I’ve given my time
And in that space
Of that power, I’ve been handsomely rewarded
Now…

It feels as if
Life demands my full rejection
Of that truth and comfort
Tune out and buy in
Time is money
And you sold yours
Interest is intent
And now that’s marked
Bought and sold
To the next top dog
So stop all those silly pretty thoughts
And pull up your big drone pants
Nose to the grindstone
Make those bones
Before yours are done and buried

If we are all just start dust
What are the stars worth?
Would they sell out if they could?
Do they dream of being planets, moons,
Or asteroids hurdling through space and time
On a mission to see as much
As they can
Before they end
In a blaze of beautiful demolition
Demise of now-matter
To be reworked into the next
And left with unquenched yearnings
Of other states and structures

If we are all
Part of everything
Yet we are just a moment
Of recycled parts
Maybe the cosmos
Do dream and joke
And we are all just

A punch line in time

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Open Letter to My Father

This is an open letter to my father
Dearly departed
This world, this time
So many things I wish I could have told him
Not that I didn’t try
It just couldn’t really sink in
Maybe for lack of listening
Or maybe I just never figured out how
In another time, with a different voice
Here are some of those things:
Love more, buy less
Close your eyes and listen harder
You might see a world you’ve never known
Your father was right
The best Girlscout leader is a Boyscout leader
Because anything the XY can do a double X can do
Not better, not worse, just different


The world is not against you
The twisted cells that overtook your body
Were not karma, they were negativity
A spirit out of balance, looking for answers
In late nights clutching a guitar at some dirty DC bar
Tea for two till midnight
While your wife and baby are at home
You didn’t mean them ill
You just can’t feel what that’s like
Empathy a four letter word
In a world with only two, M.E.
These truths have cut us deep

You’ll never admit it
Because we believe what we need
Laying in the trenches while you bleed
Saying tis but a scratch
This moment till the last
Self preservation, such a powerful thing

But you never fully realized
Your greatest accomplishment
And amazing gift
That you helped create
Two strong, beautiful, creative, loving daughters
But when things got tough
You weren’t sure what it takes to be a father
Wanted your freedom, your space, your money
And that’s fine, those things are yours
We have our own potential
And we know that
Because we were raised right
But you weren’t sure how to love
Be there, listen, care, apologize
And mean it
I can only wish you more time
To find these things
In the depths of your own mind
Who knows why anything happens
How long we have
How to make the best of it
I just wish we both meant the same thing
When we said I love you
And I wish you well
I wish I could tell you
In a way to make you
Not just understand
But know, hear, feel
That love is not a possession
And support is not a quantity
I love you for choosing
The wonderful woman who birthed me
I love you for your
Your father and all he embodied
I love you for
The love of music we shared
I love you for showing me
That six figures alone
Cannot buy happiness
And
I love you for
Making me a girl
Then making me question the validity of that
Every day of my childhood
‘Cause now I know
The amazing power of resilience

The saddest part of all this
Is that you are still here with us
The other side of the world
But just as close as you ever were
Sitting across a café table
Telling me my feelings are wrong
And that your low platelet counts
Aren’t that big a deal
They are, as they are with any of us

There isn’t much time
Honestly, there never was
You remain closed off
To the regenerative power
Of listening, learning, giving
Grasping at proverbial
Motorcycle parts
In an attempt to rebuild a new youth
But the parts just aren’t there
So it will never run right
My question to you is
Are you man enough
To ask for help
When you realize
It will never run right

the way it is