Once upon a time a confused girl
had to let go of her distant father figure, fell down the cyber rabbit hole and
learned a thing or two about love from an itinerant lyricist along the way.
This story is visceral, messy and starts out low but if you make it to the end that’s
when you’ll find the upside. That’s life, I guess.
Things have been even harder than I’d
initially factored when I moved to Melbourne to finally make Oz home (it’d been
the plan since I was little. It was supposed to happen by my early 20’s but I
wasn’t motivated enough to commit to the debt needed at that point).
At the point that I left to start my new
life here here my estranged Father was sick with a really rare form of cancer.
This was challenging on so many levels. It didn’t really feel like losing a
parent since he hadn’t been emotionally present for over ten years. But at the
same time it was gut wrenching to see the emotional destruction it was leaving
in its wake.
So on top of setting ridiculously high
expectations for my academic performance I knew my family was back in the
states suffering from facing death and the lack of closure that was doomed to
come with his exit from this earth. Mostly I just focused on keeping my grades
up and busted my ass to get employed and hunt for opportunities.
My lifeline for all this stuff is music, when
I can’t travel and use motion & newness to mentally remove me. Mostly
merely consuming it, sometimes it sparks a need to write creatively or on rare
occasion actually toy with original melodies.
For a while there when I went back to
University I was both time and money poor and the only music I had was on my
hard drive or streaming. I hadn’t found any good new stuff in a while, was in a
rut mentally and with the other cadences spinning through my head.
So after a gut-wrenching 10 weeks of slow
yet quick decline my father’s body finally he lost against the malignant forces
within him. Christmas morning 2013.
I mostly just tried to stay as hazy as
possible to stave off dealing with whatever emotions were trying to bubble up.
I wasn’t mad at him. If anything it was mostly guilt around a sense of peace
and personal freedom. He (and his second family) were always very discouraging
about everything I did and valued. I was never going to make him proud. In his
perspective, I was just a little bit of his DNA he gave up in a moment of
weakness to pop in to play into his ego when need be.
Yes he introduced me to guitars, we always
had them in the house. But I had to ask for Mom to pay for guitar lessons to
get anywhere because he would only teach me the things he wanted me to play and
then constantly tell me everything I was doing wrong, nothing right.
But this isn’t a sad story. It’s a story
about a seemingly random stranger accidentally breaking into my bedroom at just
the right time. Not in the creepy way. Through YouTube.
This song ‘The Story of My Life’ came
across a playlist and I was mesmerized. Completely emotionally sideswiped, in a
great way. What exactly it was about this bard’s bewitching voice, I couldn’t
exactly say. It reminded me of a myriad of elements from my past and at the
same time something pulling me towards the future. There’s more to it but that’s
the only way to explain it.
Well, in the midst of yet another downward
spiral of depression, I decided to reach out. I posted a message on this random
musical force’s Facebook page offering any help if he was going to make it down
to Australia. Amazingly, he responded within a few hours. In three days I was
in regular correspondence with his manager and taking on the early stages of
setting up some shows.
As things progressed, my role in these
shows grew much more significant than I’d initially expected. I got to mobilize
a team of friends in both Melbourne and Sydney to help me with everything from
graphic design to postering to social media. Everything involved with this
three month side-project served to show me what I was capable of accomplishing
if I was properly motivated. It wasn’t perfect, far from. But I did it. I made
two mind blowing gigs happen. Fans flew from out of state to stand awash in the
presence of this one guy’s simple yet powerful stage offering. This is what it
feels like to be part of something that matters.
This experience prompted by one random dude
from Florida pulled me to do things that scared the shit out of me. It brought
people together, forged bonds, embodied fans and doubters alike to take bold
steps in new directions (other than just myself).
The shows were great, I was a wreck most of
the time but managed to relax and enjoy it for a few fleeting moments. It
didn’t really dawn on me how completely emotionally unprepared I was to have
this guy in my world for a whole week. It forced me to literally face the fact
that I emotionally attach to music in the ways that most people connect to more
tangible things. It’s just easier with the intangible, it’s the best kind of
one way relationship.
I was scared the whole time that I might just randomly burst
into tears, which is very unusual for me. His music and overall
presence/contribution to the world has made me feel things that I haven't felt
for years. It was frankly overwhelming to make sense of the shit going on in my
head that week. It felt like my heart was going through growing pains. I'm too
old for that shit though. And honestly, I was trying to fight it but it was
happening whether I wanted it or not.
He's like the most polite and charmingly southern version of
progressive social decent you can get in one person. I got over the nervousness,
a bit, eventually. He's just a dude who happens to do super cool things and
have an amazingly magnetic and enthralling brain. But he likes to cook his own
breakfast and clean up after himself, works all the freak'n time and also generally loves life. As dumb as it
sounds, I held some hope that I’d figure something out about the secret to
happiness from this time around him. Mostly it was just a wakeup call to
remember that hip hop is not just about your art form or practice, it's about
your state of mind and way you live. Just don’t buy into limitations. Remember
life is the best source of samples to mix, never stop listening. So much of his
magic seems to come from his insanely strong and creative family lineage. It's
inspiring and grounding all at once.
I just wish I could bottle up the feeling I get in my stomach
when he called me 'darln' in that southern drawl. It made me feel like, just
for a split second, I grew up with a family that gave unconditional love and
from this moment on have to live for what I feel is right and not what I think
I other people expect of me.
In the end we parted ways abruptly in a pub in Sydney. I’ve never
heard from him again. Not surprising. I did what I could and he’s always got
new horizons to push. I went there, I did
that. I have a postcard to remind me. Better to have … then never to have at
all.
The big thing that week showed me was the full depth of how much
I am still petrified of feeling new things. I don't know what my take is on
love in its vast array of forms and feels. I've actively avoided pondering or
delving into the realm of actually feeling. But this one crazy experience
forced me to face that and decide to do something about it.
So, that’s what strikes fear into my heart and the story of how
a roving troubadour from the internet taught me to start dealing with it.
The main things this bizarre little internet fairytale should
illuminate are this:
Art and music CAN and DOES make a difference to illicit real and
powerful change in this world.
Our digital existence is full of WAY more positive opportunities
than danger…so go for it more often!
When something resonates with you, like really makes you tingle
with excitement, you have an obligation to yourself and the world to do
whatever you can to be a bigger part of it, even if it seems a bit crazy or
strays from your chosen path. Everything happens for a reason.
*more about the musician referenced in this article can be found at www.astronautalis.com
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