-Abigail Van Buren
First off, my apologies for the extended absence. The silence is not to say I've been stagnant but instead a result of an inability to coherently process the past two months. I'm trying to do something different with my life, I'm just not sure what that is exactly. Whatever it is that's currently in motion, this place that is to serve as home for the next eighteen months is filled with tall buildings, trains, trams, and way more tourists than trees. To say the least, quite the change of pace from my past few years.
For all the places I've been, people I've met, situations I've navigated through, I'm none the wiser or better off, in my opinion. What is the value of living by the seat of your pants across three countries over the course of a few years? What's the point of the BS degree that I've completed and the title of Master that is my current investment? Really, can somebody tell me?The thought of committing to a place, one endeavor, and the largest sum of money I've ever seen attached to my name (all in negative terms of course) is overwhelming at the moment. While living on the periphery of socialized society its much easier to judge yourself by your own standards. Once you stop and sit in a place long enough you cease to be simply an observer and it starts to impart influence on you. Influence is in the brain of the beholder, for better or worse.
Being unemployed (probably for the next 17 months), permanently single, and not particularly skilled or knowledgeable about any one thing are not viewed as advantageous traits from this angle. In a setting where pretty much everybody wants to identify you by where you come from and what you do, it is very hard to explain that you do not care to identify with your 'hometown' and have no freaking clue what you're doing. The simple version is "Immigration told me I either had to find a husband or go to University here." So here I am; that's half the battle. What to do from here is a mystery for me. Maybe I'm waiting for some sign, clue, or divine intervention. That's probably not a good plan seeing as I spend 75% of my time alone in my room reading and listening to music. Its a very one way relationship. The only one talking back is my brain...well and now my fingertips.
There is so much beauty, creativity, enthralling and gut-wrenching history in this place. There isn't a day when I'm not appreciating that but I want to be more than a paid observer. That is all I seem to be at this point. This isn't a year and a half long nerdy vacation, despite what some members of my gene pool might think. But unless I can confidently explain and show what I'm doing here, I'm just going to keep my mind on the electronic pages of tourism journals and expression to a minimum.
