Transient Perpetuity

Priorities, perspective, perception

Direction. It is all connected

Where do you come from? Where are you going? But above all, who are you right now? Do you think how you dream? Do you even remember your dreams?

What's with all the questions? Was there a time in your life when questions sometimes outweighed declarations? Why should the questions slow down?

Things are changing, always. We are things, so aren't we?

Value is subjective, so what is the universal quantifier? Why so much value on the qualifiers?

All the answers are right here at our fingertips, we just need to interpret. These silly machines we live in don't come with instruction manuals. Trial and error, here we go.

What's the best that could happen? Only one way to know.

Never Cut to a Closed Door

Time is of the moment and fleeting fast so pardon the unpolishedness but here's the deal:

It's hard to say what's different or why, I should say. Maybe its the NLP, maybe its the new place, new people, new priorities or we can just blame the moon, this is not the town I landed in six weeks ago. Well, it is but it looks, sounds, and feels pretty different. Last night was an amazing convergence of worlds; slam world, Oz hip hop, and Australian ecology/sustainable development...all in one room with a generous helping of glorious glamrock. It goes to show how anything is truly possible when you start living by the immortal words of the great Tiny Fey always follow with "Yes and..." While she is talking about rules for successful improv sketches, I think this is applicable as generalized life advice (until STDs or police could be involved, lets say). 

I just need to sleep less, write more, read more, laugh more, and definitely dance way more. Those years exploring the scientific viewpoint were invaluable but its time to remember that its just that ONE perspective and there's still so much more to delve into. But what gets people through the good times, the tough times, the seemingly impossible: the outer limits of our brains, not how well we've trained them to follow somebody else's rules. Its a mind-boggling expansive void of creative energy that we all reside in. And you can't see, hear, smell, taste, feel, think or know that which you don't believe in. Pausing to really take it in will hopefully lead to future creative ventures. 

When I say "I used to....this and I used to that" the flaw in that is assuming time is a barrier not an opportunity builder, which of course its the latter. Finding the lesson in every path that starts with "Yes, and..", polishing it into a productive, funny, and enlightening story-nugget and figuring out who to share it with is the present task at hand.


Sidenote: I met Tim Flannery last night. It was pretty ordinary but my internal dialogue was going a mile a minute. If you don't know who he is, look it up. He's kind of a big deal. 

Back in the Day...but Why?

"So, What's your art form?" A simple enough question but I was completely without an answer. The funny thing is I started writing something a few days earlier that directly addresses this concern. 

All Grown Up 

I used to:
        not care so fucking much

Dance like...well...just dance 'cause it was fun       felt good     made sense 

Write poetry      and love it  hate it  then do more 

Talk to Everyone    I thought that's why we're here

Laugh out loud when something's funny

Insist that I was beautiful    NOT cute 

Grab snakes and ask questions later  ....ok, maybe not the best practice 

Know that Oz wasn't just some mythical place in a book   but my real life future home

Believe all words were good     until I got in trouble for using certain ones 

Run around naked   whenever I could   cause it felt good, natural, free....Safe 

Think love was just a good thing 

Life was full of potential and music and dance and theater and poetry. 

The buy-in for this adulthood thing isn't what I was sold.
These self-constructed walls need to see the light of fire,
as the 6-year old me dances all night to some Commitments, Chuck Barry, and Stray Cats.

At this point in time....

"If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires."
-Abigail Van Buren

First off, my apologies for the extended absence. The silence is not to say I've been stagnant but instead a result of an inability to coherently process the past two months. I'm trying to do something different with my life, I'm just not sure what that is exactly. Whatever it is that's currently in motion, this place that is to serve as home for the next eighteen months is filled with tall buildings, trains, trams, and way more tourists than trees. To say the least, quite the change of pace from my past few years. 

For all the places I've been, people I've met, situations I've navigated through, I'm none the wiser or better off, in my opinion. What is the value of living by the seat of your pants across three countries over the course of a few years? What's the point of the BS degree that I've completed and the title of Master that is my current investment? Really, can somebody tell me?

The thought of committing to a place, one endeavor, and the largest sum of money I've ever seen attached to my name (all in negative terms of course) is overwhelming at the moment. While living on the periphery of socialized society its much easier to judge yourself by your own standards. Once you stop and sit in a place long enough you cease to be simply an observer and it starts to impart influence on you. Influence is in the brain of the beholder, for better or worse.

Being unemployed (probably for the next 17 months), permanently single, and not particularly skilled or knowledgeable about any one thing are not viewed as advantageous traits from this angle. In a setting where pretty much everybody wants to identify you by where you come from and what you do, it is very hard to explain that you do not care to identify with your 'hometown' and have no freaking clue what you're doing. The simple version is "Immigration told me I either had to find a husband or go to University here." So here I am; that's half the battle. What to do from here is a mystery for me. Maybe I'm waiting for some sign, clue, or divine intervention. That's probably not a good plan seeing as I spend 75% of my time alone in my room reading and listening to music. Its a very one way relationship. The only one talking back is my brain...well and now my fingertips.

There is so much beauty, creativity, enthralling and gut-wrenching history in this place. There isn't a day when I'm not appreciating that but I want to be more than a paid observer. That is all I seem to be at this point. This isn't a year and a half long nerdy vacation, despite what some members of my gene pool might think. But unless I can confidently explain and show what I'm doing here, I'm just going to keep my mind on the electronic pages of tourism journals and expression to a minimum.

Beginnings and Endings Here & There

After four seasons of being a roaming naturalist, I finally feel like I'm getting good at it. So of course its time to move on to the next thing. My lack of attention to this blog as a side effect of being accepted on very short notice to a graduate program in Australia. Having only a few weeks to line up financing, deal with the visa hoops, and put all the logistics in order while also working and traveling (for work/life) everyday is tiring. Tiring and somewhat exhilarating. I know once this is all done I'll sit down at my desk somewhere in the city and think "A few hours of studying and paper writing sounds downright fun comparatively!"
So where have I been and what have I been up to the past few weeks? I've been from Yosemite to Pinnacles to Santa Cruz to Mendocino County (NorCal) and presently am driving back to DC, stopped off for a few hours in Colorado. Life moves fast but sometimes I think I can move fast enough to see it clearly. I've laughed a lot, cried a little, had to have an emergency root canal in the middle of a program, come very close to punching many raccoons in the face at all hours of the night (cooking in campgrounds, it comes with the territory), and eaten at least a dozen burritos.
The road is calling and if I have the energy to add onto this entry after 10 hours of driving, I will. But for now I will leave you with a list I've been working on:

"What I Learned at 'Science Camp' (as the kids frequently call it)"

-The quiet kids normally have the best idea of what's going on.
-Kids will always pick the worst timing to get sick and/or injured...sometimes in clusters.
-Schedules are a nice idea...nothing more.
-Expect to be surprised but wether it will be in a good way or a bad way, you can never know.
-Always downplay bleeding, it really freaks out a lot of people.
-As much as you might want to let that dumb kid refuse to drink "tap" water, after three hours of hiking around a dry, 80 degree park it will not be pretty and it will be your problem.
-The more clean and organized you keep your kitchen, the more the raccoons will keep you awake at night to spite you for it.
-Never attempt to give instructions over two minutes at a time. It will not go through.
-Always try to state directions/rules in the positive form.
    ex. "You must keep your feet on the ground at all times." NOT "Don't climb trees." Many kids/people will just hear "Climb trees"
-Keep it positive but allow for a little venting...not good to let people bottle up their steam. It will always come out eventually.
-Never underestimate the power of a well packed and well maintained cube truck!

The Fire Ignites...a short poem

These kids sing love songs 

like they've never known her

been there, done that, lost irreparably

Inspirational and disheartening
   all at once
Seeing the breath in the air
   as little girls belt out their dreams
   to an enraptured crowd
Rare and perfect
This story stage is magical
These moments, unique
  as the sunset that opened for them
Out here everything is still possible
Savor it till the last flickering ember 

Weekly Grind...Vagabond Style.

The road life takes its tolls, a lost toenail, a bit scraped & bruised, and always on the verge of tired and hungry...but it's still close to comfort to me. Can't quite explain it. It's the solace in desert sunrises as you float down the Colorado River, the first light to hit a frost covered camp at Pinnacles, and the joy of some kid enthusiastically proclaiming something you taught on trail when it seemed like nobody was listening. For the most part, the students have never met people quite like us Natties and most of the teachers probably just think we're a bunch of hippies and dirtbaggers but somehow it always seems to work. With some teamwork and copious amounts of snacks and coffee, almost anything can be accomplished. Even if the weeks seem the same on paper, between the kids, the weather, and the wildlife...nothing's ever the same. And nothing's ever over till that bus is out of eye site. Don't put away those first aid kits a minute too soon.
Over the past few weeks I've frolicked around the real-life Disney movie that is Malibu Creek State Park numerous weeks, seen my first bighorn sheep, welled up thinking about Abby at Lonesome's gravesite at one of the outpost camps in Picacho State Park (slotted to be shut down indefinitely in only a few months now), visited a number of CA's many breweries, been snowed on halfway up a route in Joshua Tree NP, cooked up a storm (figuratively) in the desert and averted one (literally) the next week. Who says you can't play Muphy's Law to your favor...I did! Predictions and plans are great in theory, and sometimes useful, but at the end of the day, life doesn't happen in theory.

Polaris will always point us north, cube trucks can always break down at the least convenient moment, and Natties will always be dirty. These are constants that I find solace in. Its a daily learning process in not sweating the small stuff, it makes that week before your next shower seem so much farther away!