Open Letter to My Father

This is an open letter to my father

Dearly departed

This world, this time

So many things I wish I could have told him

Not that I didn’t try

It just couldn’t really sink in

Maybe for lack of listening

Or maybe I just never figured out how

In another time, with a different voice

Here are some of those things:

Love more, buy less

Close your eyes and listen harder

You might see a world you’ve never known

Your father was right

The best Girlscout leader is a Boyscout leader

Because anything the XY can do a double X can do

Not better, not worse, just different

The world is not against you

The twisted cells that overtook your body

Were not karma, they were negativity

A spirit out of balance, looking for answers

In late nights clutching a guitar at some dirty DC bar

Tea for two till midnight

While your wife and baby are at home

You didn’t mean them ill

You just can’t feel what that’s like

Empathy a four letter word

In a world with only two, M.E.

These truths have cut us deep

You’ll never admit it

Because we believe what we need

Laying in the trenches while you bleed

Saying tis but a scratch

This moment till the last

Self preservation, such a powerful thing

But you never fully realized

Your greatest accomplishment

And amazing gift

That you helped create

Two strong, beautiful, creative, loving daughters

But when things got tough

You weren’t sure what it takes to be a father

Wanted your freedom, your space, your money

And that’s fine, those things are yours

We have our own potential

And we know that

Because we were raised right

But you weren’t sure how to love

Be there, listen, care, apologize

And mean it

I can only wish you more time

To find these things

In the depths of your own mind

Who knows why anything happens

How long we have

How to make the best of it

I just wish we both meant the same thing

When we said I love you

And I wish you well

I wish I could tell you

In a way to make you

Not just understand

But know, hear, feel

That love is not a possession

And support is not a quantity

I love you for choosing

The wonderful woman who birthed me

I love you for your

Your father and all he embodied

I love you for

The love of music we shared

I love you for showing me

That six figures alone

Cannot buy happiness

And

I love you for

Making me a girl

Then making me question the validity of that

Every day of my childhood

‘Cause now I know

The amazing power of resilience

The saddest part of all this

Is that you are still here with us

The other side of the world

But just as close as you ever were

Sitting across a café table

Telling me my feelings are wrong

And that your low platelet counts

Aren’t that big a deal

They are, as they are with any of us

There isn’t much time

Honestly, there never was

You remain closed off

To the regenerative power

Of listening, learning, giving

Grasping at proverbial

Motorcycle parts

In an attempt to rebuild a new youth

But the parts just aren’t there

So it will never run right

My question to you is

Are you man enough

To ask for help

When you realize

It will never run right

the way it is